I am alone a lot. It's not that I'm antisocial, but I'm not what I call 'proactively social' either. If someone comes up to me and wants to talk, I'll have a conversation, but I haven't been the one to start a conversation in a very long time, which is probably why I'm so terrified of making phone calls. I know this is a terrible mindset, but in my heart of hearts, I don't feel like people are worth my time. I am so narcissistic that other people hardly register as blips on the radar anymore. Sometimes I say to myself "People are important to God", and I believe it, but not enough to act on it.
I was lonely once. I was in the throes of a school play, one of twoscore students laughing, joking, and singing backstage for months. Alone one night, lying in bed and trying to sleep, I remember thinking "Hmm. There's nobody here. It would be kind of nice if someone was." Now, I often go hours without speaking to someone at school, but I don't think I'm lonely. It's entirely possible that I am and just haven't noticed. I am out of practice. I have gotten used to not interacting with people, which makes it that much harder when I do have to. Having had a lot of experience, I can fake it pretty well, though.
"It is not good for man to be alone." Gen. 2:18. This is one of those verses that make me think "oh, crap". I kind of like being alone. My soul must be sick, like a kid with a fever who doesn't want to eat anything, even ice cream. I have a lot of things I could blame it on; my very mild Autism, my busy-ness, heck, even the fall of man, but ultimately, this is something I have to fix. Well, me and God.
All this flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.
Peace, reassurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;
I talk of love- a scholar's parrot may talk Greek-
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.
I was lonely once. I was in the throes of a school play, one of twoscore students laughing, joking, and singing backstage for months. Alone one night, lying in bed and trying to sleep, I remember thinking "Hmm. There's nobody here. It would be kind of nice if someone was." Now, I often go hours without speaking to someone at school, but I don't think I'm lonely. It's entirely possible that I am and just haven't noticed. I am out of practice. I have gotten used to not interacting with people, which makes it that much harder when I do have to. Having had a lot of experience, I can fake it pretty well, though.
"It is not good for man to be alone." Gen. 2:18. This is one of those verses that make me think "oh, crap". I kind of like being alone. My soul must be sick, like a kid with a fever who doesn't want to eat anything, even ice cream. I have a lot of things I could blame it on; my very mild Autism, my busy-ness, heck, even the fall of man, but ultimately, this is something I have to fix. Well, me and God.
All this flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.
Peace, reassurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;
I talk of love- a scholar's parrot may talk Greek-
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.
-C.S. Lewis
3 comments:
Yah, well i guess hat being alone some of the time cant really be a bad thing. Sometimes it can be a great thing. I know how u feel to an extent though. I love to read and once i start reading all i want is to bealone so i can read.. i read ALOT!!! Also i greatly dis-like talking on the phone to peeople. Maby it is because generally people only talk to me when they are bored aand then just talk abbout how they r bored.. hmm exciting.. i think not! lol But reacenty i noticed that too, this summer in fact that i needed to start interacting with people, ((befor i hadent really made a new aqwantance in bout three years)) i got hit with what i like to call a spiritual brick right smack dab on my head. I needed to go out into the world. Though ,unlike u i guess i was unhappy hmmm well im happy now and that makes me happy lol. I will pray 4 u though if u want. :)
I have a problem of a very differnt matter. I, as an extrovert try to interact with everone a I meet, Unless I'm with my freinds, then no one wants to be around me because they don't know all of our inside jokes. I would like to try to include people more, but its hard.
-p.s. Big-ups to you for being so honest.
Hmmm..... I don't think I have this problem. I'm more of the opposite. I need more time alone. I am with friends so much that when I am not with them I have no idea what to do with myself. So I guess we both have things to work on!
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