28 Feb 2008
Yesterday was the best day ever. And I was thinking that before my package came. So I want to write it down so I don’t forget. After the third class, Ellie and I went upstairs for Art, but mysteriously, none of our classmates ever showed up, so we sat around and talked for two hours, after which I started wandering townward. Before I’d even made it out of sight of the school, Ellie called to say her Slovak lesson was canceled, so we went to town together and got some ice cream with hot raspberries and tiramisu, then went off to the čajovňa for tea and a vodna fajka. Around 2:45, Ellie went home and I went to see Ratatatouille dubbed into Slovak. I understood 90% of it—well, actually, I understood all of it, but of what I heard rather than remembered, I got 90%. I was amazed. Anyway, a couple more things about the dubbing—it was funny how the headlines and book titles and were all in French, which I guess makes more sense. Second, at the part where Linguini says, (in English), “If you’re going to name a food, you should name it something that sounds delicious. Ratatouille doesn’t sound delicious. It sounds like ‘rat’ and ‘patootie’. Rat patootie. Which does not sound delicious.” They translated it something like “If you’re going to name a food, you should name it something that sounds delicious. Ratatouille doesn’t sound delicious. It sounds like ‘rat’. ‘Rat,’ which means ‘rat’ in English.” Except the second “rat” in that last sentence was in Slovak, but you probably figured that out. Well, I guess that’s the best way to make it work. But I understood enough to figure it out!
The moral of the story: If you want to have a good day, go out and spend money.
Anyway, when I got home (walking), Ana told me Lukaš had gone to pick up a package for me. Michael sent me a pink pony! He definitely wins a t-shirt. Mommy sent me the jewelry I requested and the best Valentines’ Day card ever, not to mention two boxes of tea nad one of emergen-c! Daddy, though, sent me a zune! So now I’m listening to a new David Crowder Band album. Oh, and a dvd of Narnia, and three of Firefly. I’m so happy! I love the Juno soundtrack. I could gush on and on. I’ll save that for a blog post or a thankful email.
Yesterday was the best day ever. And I was thinking that before my package came. So I want to write it down so I don’t forget. After the third class, Ellie and I went upstairs for Art, but mysteriously, none of our classmates ever showed up, so we sat around and talked for two hours, after which I started wandering townward. Before I’d even made it out of sight of the school, Ellie called to say her Slovak lesson was canceled, so we went to town together and got some ice cream with hot raspberries and tiramisu, then went off to the čajovňa for tea and a vodna fajka. Around 2:45, Ellie went home and I went to see Ratatatouille dubbed into Slovak. I understood 90% of it—well, actually, I understood all of it, but of what I heard rather than remembered, I got 90%. I was amazed. Anyway, a couple more things about the dubbing—it was funny how the headlines and book titles and were all in French, which I guess makes more sense. Second, at the part where Linguini says, (in English), “If you’re going to name a food, you should name it something that sounds delicious. Ratatouille doesn’t sound delicious. It sounds like ‘rat’ and ‘patootie’. Rat patootie. Which does not sound delicious.” They translated it something like “If you’re going to name a food, you should name it something that sounds delicious. Ratatouille doesn’t sound delicious. It sounds like ‘rat’. ‘Rat,’ which means ‘rat’ in English.” Except the second “rat” in that last sentence was in Slovak, but you probably figured that out. Well, I guess that’s the best way to make it work. But I understood enough to figure it out!
The moral of the story: If you want to have a good day, go out and spend money.
Anyway, when I got home (walking), Ana told me Lukaš had gone to pick up a package for me. Michael sent me a pink pony! He definitely wins a t-shirt. Mommy sent me the jewelry I requested and the best Valentines’ Day card ever, not to mention two boxes of tea nad one of emergen-c! Daddy, though, sent me a zune! So now I’m listening to a new David Crowder Band album. Oh, and a dvd of Narnia, and three of Firefly. I’m so happy! I love the Juno soundtrack. I could gush on and on. I’ll save that for a blog post or a thankful email.
Walking ‘round in February
Pretending like it’s June
Sitting down in the park
Trying to write a simple tune
Not wearing my winter coat
Since in my mind it’s June
Walking in the chilly air
The weather’ll catch up soon
I close my eyes and I’m back
In a park at home in June
Sitting talking with a friend
‘til the sun turns to the moon
Eating ice cream in the rain...
29 February 2008
Day 199
I don’t want to be here today. Don’t really know why. I just don’t. Don’t know where I want to be instead, just not here. Actually, I want to be home, but I’m not really homesick. Listless, more like. I feel listless. Which is weird considering how much I hate making lists (har har). Really, though, the lack of pressure is driving me nuts. Yesterday I left school an hour early for no reason whatsoever and just walked home. I’m finding myself looking for reasons to stay at school, rather than justifying skipping, and for the most part, I can’t find any except, “well, what else is there to do?” I’m probably the worst exchange student ever. I don’t do anything. Not that I did at home either, but I just feel like I’m doing even less since I’m not even doing anything productive. At least I accomplished stuff back home, even if I didn’t have a social life. I feel dead. I don’t do anything, I don’t feel anything but non-feelings like apathy and listnessness and boredom. I’m not even learning anything much anymore. The bright spot in all this depression is having my new fauxPod. I love it to pieces. The only thing is the battery doesn’t last forever. I about ran it out yesterday. That’s the last time I’m watching videos in school. New rule for me. I really believe my dead old fauxPod is sorta a God thing, since I wouldn’t have ever learned Slovak if I constantly listened to it, plus I would have seemed even more unapproachable. And it’s a little conveniently inconvenient that the other one only worked while I was walking or cross country skiing. No music in school, let alone movies or other distractions. Distractions?! From what? The maybe-dozen time’s I’ve been addressed in class? Anyway, I’m going to be in Rome in less’n two weeks, so I guess I’ll just wait it out. Ugh. I have PE today, but I don’t want to.
Day 199
I don’t want to be here today. Don’t really know why. I just don’t. Don’t know where I want to be instead, just not here. Actually, I want to be home, but I’m not really homesick. Listless, more like. I feel listless. Which is weird considering how much I hate making lists (har har). Really, though, the lack of pressure is driving me nuts. Yesterday I left school an hour early for no reason whatsoever and just walked home. I’m finding myself looking for reasons to stay at school, rather than justifying skipping, and for the most part, I can’t find any except, “well, what else is there to do?” I’m probably the worst exchange student ever. I don’t do anything. Not that I did at home either, but I just feel like I’m doing even less since I’m not even doing anything productive. At least I accomplished stuff back home, even if I didn’t have a social life. I feel dead. I don’t do anything, I don’t feel anything but non-feelings like apathy and listnessness and boredom. I’m not even learning anything much anymore. The bright spot in all this depression is having my new fauxPod. I love it to pieces. The only thing is the battery doesn’t last forever. I about ran it out yesterday. That’s the last time I’m watching videos in school. New rule for me. I really believe my dead old fauxPod is sorta a God thing, since I wouldn’t have ever learned Slovak if I constantly listened to it, plus I would have seemed even more unapproachable. And it’s a little conveniently inconvenient that the other one only worked while I was walking or cross country skiing. No music in school, let alone movies or other distractions. Distractions?! From what? The maybe-dozen time’s I’ve been addressed in class? Anyway, I’m going to be in Rome in less’n two weeks, so I guess I’ll just wait it out. Ugh. I have PE today, but I don’t want to.
Včera bola veľmi lahký den. V pondelok, chodim do školz o 9:45, tak spala som do 8:00 a išla pešo. Bola som na hodine dejepis v 3B a potom na hodine fyzike v septima A dva krat. O 12:20, išla som domov pešo. Doma, poyerala som film na mojom nokebooku a hačkovala rukavice, ale niečo sa zdalo a nie su dobre, tak musim skusiť znova. Škoda. Minúly tyžden, prišel balik od mojej rodiny, tak temaz mam novú mptrojkú, ktorá funguje. Ja sa tešim! Teraz, ked čakam na autobus, môžem pozerať filmy alebo americkz serialy ktoré poslal môj otec. Nebojťe sa, pani učitelka, nebudem pozerať v škole. O 5:00, išla som do Rotary klub, ako musim každý tyžden. Rozpravala som sa s Ellie a Haley po anglickz, ale klub bol strašný nudný. Nevadi. Buduci vikend, budeme variť pie (ako sa povie pie? Neviem.) Lebo Ellie nepozná, a čo je americkejšie ako jabulkový pie?
Day 204 Wed 5 Mar 2008
Leaving for Rome in a little less’n a week. Wednesday is among the more bearable school days, despite starting earlier than I feel’s strictly necessary. Tomorrow’s my Daddy’s birthday. I’ll have to call him. In any event, I’m looking forward to making pie with Haley and Ellie. We’ll see how it goes down. I’m working on a hat for Ellie’s birthday present. She picked out this crazy rainbow yarn, and I was working with half double crochet stitches, but that way, each color only gets you one stitch, which makes it looks like some gnarly rag rug, so I think I’ll start over with singles, or even slip stitches. Should look much better. Watched the first twenty minutes of O Brother Where Art Thou before class this morning. That’s a good movie.
Leaving for Rome in a little less’n a week. Wednesday is among the more bearable school days, despite starting earlier than I feel’s strictly necessary. Tomorrow’s my Daddy’s birthday. I’ll have to call him. In any event, I’m looking forward to making pie with Haley and Ellie. We’ll see how it goes down. I’m working on a hat for Ellie’s birthday present. She picked out this crazy rainbow yarn, and I was working with half double crochet stitches, but that way, each color only gets you one stitch, which makes it looks like some gnarly rag rug, so I think I’ll start over with singles, or even slip stitches. Should look much better. Watched the first twenty minutes of O Brother Where Art Thou before class this morning. That’s a good movie.
An apt analogy:
The lack of pressure in my life at the moment is to my mind as the lack of pressure in outer space would be to my body.
Day 205. Dad’s Birthday. Pie day. Leaving for Rome in 1 week. Only 16 pages left in this notebook. (Editor’s note: I know there are only 10 pages accounted for here- the other six had no text, only drawings.) Then I’ll have to get a new one. Maybe with quadrille lines. I also need to call Dad at some point. Well, not just any point. Between 4 pm and 5 am. I slept hard last night. I crashed on my little couch listening to my daddy talk about the bible, but then I got up maybe 45 minutes to an hour later, washed my face, and read 10 chapters of psalms. That one psalm was crazy long. Anyway, the weather still continues charming. I grabbed my coat on the way out the door, but have since regretted it. Now I’ll have to carry it around all day. Not that it’s not a tad chilly. It’s probably good that I changed out of the skirt, but still.
I want Burrito Boy. Maybe the Chicken Boy. I don’t care. I want Café Yumm. The Baby Yumm, or maybe the edamame one with nori (editor’s note: I wrote nori in Japanese). That’s the first Japanese word I’ve thrown in in… 59 pages. It breaks my heart to think I’m forgetting it. I no longer feel the need to go home so urgently, but by no stretch of the imagination would I say that I don’t want to. It occurs to me that they don’t have the kids who don’t find the year to be the best of their lives come and tell us to come—we only ever heard from the few weirdos who have no life back home to miss. If I were to time travel back to a year ago November, I would tell myself not to go on this exchange. That’s an interesting revelation. That I wish I’d never embarked on this madness in the first place. The cool parts—which are basically just Haley and Ellie, learning the language, and starting to wash my face and read my bible consistently—are far outweighed by the things I’m missing out on back home. Family, friends, (which I was just starting to have,) studio, Narnia, and later recital, Tanner’s first year of high school, playing cello with Adam, having Ryan teach me to drive a stick shift, starting college, hot tub, college-level modern, and who knows else. Hanging out with Ashley, playing sausage with Tanner and friends…
When I listen to the recordings of Institute, I pretend I’m curling up in my daddy’s lap and saying, “Daddy, tell me about the Bible”.
The lack of pressure in my life at the moment is to my mind as the lack of pressure in outer space would be to my body.
Day 205. Dad’s Birthday. Pie day. Leaving for Rome in 1 week. Only 16 pages left in this notebook. (Editor’s note: I know there are only 10 pages accounted for here- the other six had no text, only drawings.) Then I’ll have to get a new one. Maybe with quadrille lines. I also need to call Dad at some point. Well, not just any point. Between 4 pm and 5 am. I slept hard last night. I crashed on my little couch listening to my daddy talk about the bible, but then I got up maybe 45 minutes to an hour later, washed my face, and read 10 chapters of psalms. That one psalm was crazy long. Anyway, the weather still continues charming. I grabbed my coat on the way out the door, but have since regretted it. Now I’ll have to carry it around all day. Not that it’s not a tad chilly. It’s probably good that I changed out of the skirt, but still.
I want Burrito Boy. Maybe the Chicken Boy. I don’t care. I want Café Yumm. The Baby Yumm, or maybe the edamame one with nori (editor’s note: I wrote nori in Japanese). That’s the first Japanese word I’ve thrown in in… 59 pages. It breaks my heart to think I’m forgetting it. I no longer feel the need to go home so urgently, but by no stretch of the imagination would I say that I don’t want to. It occurs to me that they don’t have the kids who don’t find the year to be the best of their lives come and tell us to come—we only ever heard from the few weirdos who have no life back home to miss. If I were to time travel back to a year ago November, I would tell myself not to go on this exchange. That’s an interesting revelation. That I wish I’d never embarked on this madness in the first place. The cool parts—which are basically just Haley and Ellie, learning the language, and starting to wash my face and read my bible consistently—are far outweighed by the things I’m missing out on back home. Family, friends, (which I was just starting to have,) studio, Narnia, and later recital, Tanner’s first year of high school, playing cello with Adam, having Ryan teach me to drive a stick shift, starting college, hot tub, college-level modern, and who knows else. Hanging out with Ashley, playing sausage with Tanner and friends…
When I listen to the recordings of Institute, I pretend I’m curling up in my daddy’s lap and saying, “Daddy, tell me about the Bible”.
I hate volleyball. My playing basically consists of trying not to give the impression that I’m going to go for the ball, since then no one who actually has a chance of being helpful with get it. I figure the best thing I can do for the team is stay out of the way and look apologetic that they got stuck with me. I hate volleyball, I hate volleyball, I HATE VOLLEYBALL!!!
I realize that lots of people enjoy volleyball for God only knows what reason, but I don’t have to. Likewise, just because I loathe it so doesn’t mean I expect all you freaks to hate it too. Why can’t you just return the favor?
I only have a few more pages in this notebook, so today I went out and bought another one. I’m kinda trying to finish this one out as soon as possible so I can use the next one. I’ll have to copy my calendar and school schedule into the new one. Today started out really crappy, but since I got out in the sunshine, I’ve felt way better. Of course, this can also be attributed to the nice men handing out flowers in the square, listening to the Hosanna recital 2006 soundtrack and spending money on office supplies. I’m supposed to meet Ellie here by the fountain, but she’s not here, so I’m just sitting here in the sun. Today is day 206. Forgot to mention that. Oh, I need to remember to have Dad tell me how to fix my virus software. Er, anti-virus. Apparently it expired or somesuch. Anywho. I wish I had a departure date so I could count down rather than counting up. I think it’d be more encouraging. I said back at the beginning of the year that I didn’t think I’d much care about percentages by the time it got close enough for my approximations to start showing their inaccuracy. That is not probing true. I thought I was already past 2/3, but in reality that’s not until the 18th. (Editor’s note: that’s not right either. The actual 2/3 date is around the 14th.) Dang, my foot’s asleep. Oh, I went out and bought a black permanent marker for CDs and the cover of my notebook. The new one, that is. It’s a good thing I’m not buying anything clothing-related now. I’d be more broke than I am. Some homeless dude just asked me for 2 crowns for a rožok. I figured, how much drugs or alcohol could he buy with 2 crowns? So I gave him his 2 sk, and he asked me for2 more so he could have 2 rožok. I don’t know how long this’d have gone on, so I told him I needed everything else I had and he wandered off muttering.
To summarize the day: crappy, awesome, crappy, tipsy and thus awesome.
The rest of day 206:
I’m mostly writing this to see if I remember it in the morning. After I met Ellie, we went and had ice cream, then I walked her to her bus stop. From there I went to dance, where I had a nervous breakdown during developes since I felt like such a big fat slug. My arabesque hardly reaches 90. Not even that, really. It’s pathetic. Anyway, Terka was amazingly nice. I like her. She might be my best Slovak friend. After that, I met up with the other exchange students who were in town and we went to this dark underground bar place where I drank 2½ glasses of crappy wine. “So I’ve never been drunk,“ I remember saying, “but I feel sorta dizzy when I turn my head. What does that mean?” I was told that I was “tipsy”. That’s cool, I guess . I can work with tipsy. Anyway, then I followed the remaining students who didn’t have to catch a train back home at like 7:30 to the café where Haley always gets mojitos and had a cup of coffee. It was funny. Everything seemed really quiet, and they told me I was talking really loud, so I don’t know if that came from the tipsy or what. Anyway, Haley told me right at the beginning that I absolutely couldn’t get drunk, since we have no idea what would happen, and she didn’t want to have to take care of me—but she would if it came to that. I thought that mighty nice of her to have my back that way. Anyway, I had a long discussion with Tomaš over my wine. I somehow developed strong political opinions over the course of the conversation. Weird. That’s not normal for me. Once I made it home on the 35, I told Jan that I’d drank some wine and was feeling a little woo-ooh. He just laughed and said I didn’t have practice. Which is true. This is the most drunk I’ve ever, ever been, and it can stay that way as far as I care. Not that I won’t drink as much ever again, but definitely no more. I’m good. This whole experience is very odd. It’s like being in a dream. You know, all sorta floaty… like nothing’s really real. It’s weird. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and realize I was a total idiot.
The rest of day 206:
I’m mostly writing this to see if I remember it in the morning. After I met Ellie, we went and had ice cream, then I walked her to her bus stop. From there I went to dance, where I had a nervous breakdown during developes since I felt like such a big fat slug. My arabesque hardly reaches 90. Not even that, really. It’s pathetic. Anyway, Terka was amazingly nice. I like her. She might be my best Slovak friend. After that, I met up with the other exchange students who were in town and we went to this dark underground bar place where I drank 2½ glasses of crappy wine. “So I’ve never been drunk,“ I remember saying, “but I feel sorta dizzy when I turn my head. What does that mean?” I was told that I was “tipsy”. That’s cool, I guess . I can work with tipsy. Anyway, then I followed the remaining students who didn’t have to catch a train back home at like 7:30 to the café where Haley always gets mojitos and had a cup of coffee. It was funny. Everything seemed really quiet, and they told me I was talking really loud, so I don’t know if that came from the tipsy or what. Anyway, Haley told me right at the beginning that I absolutely couldn’t get drunk, since we have no idea what would happen, and she didn’t want to have to take care of me—but she would if it came to that. I thought that mighty nice of her to have my back that way. Anyway, I had a long discussion with Tomaš over my wine. I somehow developed strong political opinions over the course of the conversation. Weird. That’s not normal for me. Once I made it home on the 35, I told Jan that I’d drank some wine and was feeling a little woo-ooh. He just laughed and said I didn’t have practice. Which is true. This is the most drunk I’ve ever, ever been, and it can stay that way as far as I care. Not that I won’t drink as much ever again, but definitely no more. I’m good. This whole experience is very odd. It’s like being in a dream. You know, all sorta floaty… like nothing’s really real. It’s weird. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and realize I was a total idiot.
Day 207
So I still remember everything I wrote down. I’m not sure how it looked from everyone else’s perspective, but I was probably really weird and giggle. I felt weird and giigly. Anyways. I went out skiing this morning. I made friends with a five-year-old named Katka—cutest little thing. She was a better skier than I. Came home three hours later—okay, I was going to skip this part and pretend it never happened, but it’ll be funny in retrospect. I tried to go down the not-bunny slope. No sooner had I gone over the brink than I a) realized this was a big mistake, and b)fell and slid literally halfway down the mountain before the guy wearing a first aid kit stepped out and stopped me. I stood up, thanked him, pulled myself together, and set off again. Ten seconds later I lost control and wobbled for a ways, then fell and tumbled and slid. This time I lost both skis and a pole. Some nice man uphill of me brought them to me, with the advice “go slower”. Gee, thanks. Good tip. Pity the gravity’s so strong here that I slide down on my butt at 9.82 meters per second. Anyway, I got to the bottom, shaking like mad, only to discover that my kiddy-lift ticket wouldn’t let me on the grown-up lift to get back out of the pit of hell. The nice guy running it let me on anyway, though. So that was a disaster. After that I stuck to the kiddy run and hung out with five-year-olds. Back home, Iounged about and copied the calendars to the new notebook. Around 6, Terka sms’d me and asked if I wanted to go to a movie. Jumper. Good concept, but poor plot construction. Not to mention that Hayden Christianson’s uglier than a raccoon with a butter knife stuck up its nose. Anyway, I’m home now. Not really much to do now but sleep after I read bible and wash my face. Starting Proverbs tonight. Not such a fan of psalms or proverbs. Not such fun reading for me. But hey. Whatever.
So I still remember everything I wrote down. I’m not sure how it looked from everyone else’s perspective, but I was probably really weird and giggle. I felt weird and giigly. Anyways. I went out skiing this morning. I made friends with a five-year-old named Katka—cutest little thing. She was a better skier than I. Came home three hours later—okay, I was going to skip this part and pretend it never happened, but it’ll be funny in retrospect. I tried to go down the not-bunny slope. No sooner had I gone over the brink than I a) realized this was a big mistake, and b)fell and slid literally halfway down the mountain before the guy wearing a first aid kit stepped out and stopped me. I stood up, thanked him, pulled myself together, and set off again. Ten seconds later I lost control and wobbled for a ways, then fell and tumbled and slid. This time I lost both skis and a pole. Some nice man uphill of me brought them to me, with the advice “go slower”. Gee, thanks. Good tip. Pity the gravity’s so strong here that I slide down on my butt at 9.82 meters per second. Anyway, I got to the bottom, shaking like mad, only to discover that my kiddy-lift ticket wouldn’t let me on the grown-up lift to get back out of the pit of hell. The nice guy running it let me on anyway, though. So that was a disaster. After that I stuck to the kiddy run and hung out with five-year-olds. Back home, Iounged about and copied the calendars to the new notebook. Around 6, Terka sms’d me and asked if I wanted to go to a movie. Jumper. Good concept, but poor plot construction. Not to mention that Hayden Christianson’s uglier than a raccoon with a butter knife stuck up its nose. Anyway, I’m home now. Not really much to do now but sleep after I read bible and wash my face. Starting Proverbs tonight. Not such a fan of psalms or proverbs. Not such fun reading for me. But hey. Whatever.
The last two pages. The end of an era.
I’ve wanted to cobble together something with all the quotes I’ve related to lately—quotes about home, thing out of them—but that’s more trouble than it’s worth.
Holy crap, though, I’ll be in Rome Thursday. I’m surprisingly unexcited for it. I mean, I’m consciously excited but not relaly emotionally. I must be really emoationally disengaged right now. I don’t feel a lot—when I’m not crying my eyes out. Not just plakam, rozplakam. Literally crying all over the place.
In a lot of placed my handwriting looks a lot like my dad’s. The phrase at the top “of an era”, for instance, and the word “dad” right above here. Plus must of this here paragraph. I still bite my nails. I’m sorta giving up for now. I figure I need the emotional release this year.
I had a very strange dream last night. Very vivid, but I only remember bits and pieces. It seemed very sad. I mostly saw it in third person, but realized different characters to be “myself” throughout. The whole thing mostly took place in a hotel with a giant pool, both of which were, as I put it in my dream, an oasis in the middle of a dark sea. Overall atmosphere was dark, but brightly lit inside as if to compensate, but the darkness outside was impenetrable.
There was a baby crocodile we (some strange man through whom I perceived much of the dream and me, a wealthy society chick—quite skinny) adopted. He grew up into a boy, who didn’t want to swim. He was in swim lessons and all the kids had to race to knock this baseball off a pole. Somehow the man won, and the boy was all smiles and impressed. For some reason this made the man angry that he wasn’t trying hard enough and they got into a fight. The boy hit the man with a plank and turned back into a crocodile and swam away.
I remember I sat on a swing outside with the man sitting on the balcony. I swung higher and higher, until the hotel looked small and distant. It was at this point I commented on it being an oasis in an ocean of darkness. “I wish I could jump off and dive into the sea, down to the very bottom,” I continued, “and not die.”
“And not die”, repeated the man pensively.
Later a Chinese guy came for some reason, and since it was my crazy brain making the dream up, I could pick up Slovak and Japanese words in the “Chinese”. This isn’t uncommon in my dreams. Later still I found myself in a museum with Haley, who had recently been somehow bereaved, so I was comforting her as we walked through an exhibit on the history of England.
I’ve wanted to cobble together something with all the quotes I’ve related to lately—quotes about home, thing out of them—but that’s more trouble than it’s worth.
Holy crap, though, I’ll be in Rome Thursday. I’m surprisingly unexcited for it. I mean, I’m consciously excited but not relaly emotionally. I must be really emoationally disengaged right now. I don’t feel a lot—when I’m not crying my eyes out. Not just plakam, rozplakam. Literally crying all over the place.
In a lot of placed my handwriting looks a lot like my dad’s. The phrase at the top “of an era”, for instance, and the word “dad” right above here. Plus must of this here paragraph. I still bite my nails. I’m sorta giving up for now. I figure I need the emotional release this year.
I had a very strange dream last night. Very vivid, but I only remember bits and pieces. It seemed very sad. I mostly saw it in third person, but realized different characters to be “myself” throughout. The whole thing mostly took place in a hotel with a giant pool, both of which were, as I put it in my dream, an oasis in the middle of a dark sea. Overall atmosphere was dark, but brightly lit inside as if to compensate, but the darkness outside was impenetrable.
There was a baby crocodile we (some strange man through whom I perceived much of the dream and me, a wealthy society chick—quite skinny) adopted. He grew up into a boy, who didn’t want to swim. He was in swim lessons and all the kids had to race to knock this baseball off a pole. Somehow the man won, and the boy was all smiles and impressed. For some reason this made the man angry that he wasn’t trying hard enough and they got into a fight. The boy hit the man with a plank and turned back into a crocodile and swam away.
I remember I sat on a swing outside with the man sitting on the balcony. I swung higher and higher, until the hotel looked small and distant. It was at this point I commented on it being an oasis in an ocean of darkness. “I wish I could jump off and dive into the sea, down to the very bottom,” I continued, “and not die.”
“And not die”, repeated the man pensively.
Later a Chinese guy came for some reason, and since it was my crazy brain making the dream up, I could pick up Slovak and Japanese words in the “Chinese”. This isn’t uncommon in my dreams. Later still I found myself in a museum with Haley, who had recently been somehow bereaved, so I was comforting her as we walked through an exhibit on the history of England.
